My mindset's clouding over,
Sunless, smileless, weighted down.
Fractured rays and cold cloud wisps
Lie writhing on the ground.
I'll take my bloody heart out
And grant it boom'rang flight,
Spin it precious wings to soar,
And free me from this plight.
I cannot carry hearts with me!
They drag me down, and gouge my brain,
Until I'm missing glowing scenes
And filling gaps with pain.
But still I crave a guiding hand,
Two shining eyes, alight on me.
I wish hard for sweet freedom
Through what cannot set me free.
I veer away from wand'ring flocks.
I serve to make the number odd,
Sure now that at pairing time,
I missed the eye of God.
Have I sacrificed my set?
Should I have tried to fit the mould
And simply cut my shoulders off,
Shook till my heart went cold?
Drag me up out of this pit
And into light which cannot burn.
Proove me wrong when I say Love's
The hardest thing to learn.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Great job. You have some rhythm issues every so often. If you read it out loud, you really can't miss them. Other than that, great work.
Try going through and counting syllables and I think you'll find that your rhyme is significantly off beat. Correct that and voila! Yay!
bingo
Yeah, this was my first time reading anything of yours! it was really great, though i'm not the best poem writer, so don't take anything to seriously!
i like the way your emotion came out, i'm not sure why but i just liked it!
muy bien!
---Lora
I do believe this is the first piece of yours I've read.
I was pleasantly impressed.
So, rather then gripe on flaws, I think I shall propose a challenge in hopes.
I think it would be most wonderful if you would write a poem with the following components:
[ ] A solid rhyme scheme.
[ ] Lines with a universal syllabic amount. Meaning that all the lines would have the same umber of syllables.
[ ] No recycled literary devices. This goes for phrasing too. Most of your content was nicely fresh, but for instance, clouds are often described as "wisps". Try to think of your own way to say this; it'll help you add finesse and concrete your own voice.
All in all, you have much potential. I like what I see, and I think we can expect some good pieces from you.
I loved this one Jasmine. Your description was great and you wrote what you write best - negative love poetry. The rhythm of this piece is brilliant and the rhymes flow perfectly in most places. There's just one line that seems a little out -
I can't think why but for some reason this line didn't work for me. I don't really have a suggestion for it either so I feel pretty silly pointing it out but you know how picky I can be...
Other than that, I like it. The message comes across strong, the rhetorical questions work and you give the reader an impossible task at the end. Well not quite impossible... I could probably find a mathematical equation harder to learn but then that's off subject